Eulogies that Address the Loved One

One of the questions to be resolved in preparing a eulogy is whether or not you speak directly to the dead person for the full eulogy or part of the eulogy.

I first became acquainted with this practice when I participated in funerals (tangis) on the meeting grounds (maraes) of Maori people in Aotearoa-New Zealand. These funerals go for three days culminating in a final funeral service before heading off to the burial ground. According to Maori belief the spirit (wairua) of the person may leave the dead body (tūpāpaku) but the spirit is still around the person in those days. The speeches and eulogies given by family and visitors as they arrive are directed to the dead person. If family members never got to be present with their loved one in the hours before they died, never mind, they can express their love directly to the dead person. Sometimes you hear people speak words of judgement and harsh criticism to the person perhaps because they were driving their car too fast and they were killed or they took their own life. This gives people a chance to get things off their chest as there’s the view that “what is said on the marae stays on the marae.” This fosters a eulogy of honesty. Speaking directly to the person gives a sense of immediacy because what is spoken is said in the present tense not the past tense. It also ratchets up the emotional intensity in these speeches but the Maori funeral is one where everyone is free to cry.

Here are some excerpts from a eulogy by Randy Elf who spoke directly to his dead father, Dr Fred Elf:

Dad, you were born into a family–and you married into a family–that has the greatest assets a family can have: Love, perseverance, and faith. Just look at how many of them came from across the country to be here today…

With that love, perseverance, and faith, you and Mom have earned all you’ve achieved. And you’ve made friends that nobody can count. For starters, look around today…

Because of you, Dad, thousands of people walk straighter, see more clearly, or have no headache. Because of you, many people even have arms and legs they wouldn’t otherwise have. Because of you, many people are alive. Your patients continually sing your praises to me. That’s part of the terrible irony of today. You could save most everybody else, but this time you couldn’t save yourself. Nobody could have…

So we’ll pull it all off, Dad. One way or another. For you. We’ll hold the family together, and we’ll be as devoted to your friends and causes as you are. We’ll carry on your legacy by trying to be like you.

Thanks, Dad. I love you. We all love you.

It may be more difficult to sustain an entire eulogy that is directed toward the person in the coffin. Sometimes those giving a eulogy will only give some final words in this style, perhaps when they turn to the coffin and speak directly their words of gratitude and farewell. Others choose not to adopt this approach at all. It is a matter of choice.

Geoff Pound

Eulogy Excerpt Source: Randy Elf, Father Lives Extraordinary Life, Observer, 26 April 2024.

Image: The Good Funeral Guide on Unsplash.